1. Microwave my tea: Before I was a Mum, I used to be able to drink a whole cup, all in one go, while it was still hot. How could I have ever taken that luxury for granted? Childless people have no idea how precious it is to sit down and drink a hot beverage undisturbed. Microwaving my tea has become second nature now, and I even do it in other people’s houses. It has its advantages – with the rising price of groceries, I’m saving on teabags by not having to make another cup once my first has cooled down.
2. Do the housework hungover: Before I was a Mum, I never did anything when I was hungover. I would just lie on the sofa all day and maybe move the upper-half of my body to reach for the phone to order a takeaway. Then I became a mother and was gifted with this amazing ability to still be able to look after a child and tidy the house after 3 bottles of wine and four hours sleep.
3. Tell people I’m convinced Iggle Piggle and Upsy Daisy are having a secret love affair: Come on, have you seen those two? There’s definitely something going on! Plus, the narrator says things like “Upsy Daisy, are you going to dance for Iggle Piggle?” And there was an episode where she’d only let Iggle Piggle in her bed. It’s disgusting! Before I was a mum, I could make intellectual comments about grown-up television like...Eastenders. Now, all I can comment on are fictitious characters who fly about in blimp-things that make fart noises.
4. Go to bed early: It’s a sad fact that I’m normally in bed by 10pm. Little T has always been an early riser – 7am is a luxurious lie-in. By 10pm, I’m knackered and unable to string a coherent sentence together, or lift my wine glass to my lips.
5. Have a serious conversation with another mother about children’s toilet habits: As a mother, I feel it is my duty to listen to another mum when she is concerned about the colour or consistency of her childs poo. Before I was a Mum, I probably would have thought the whole idea of discussing such a thing was awful. Now I don’t bat an eyelid and helpfully offer suggestions like “have you tried orange juice?” “Did they eat lots of fruit yesterday?” and “maybe you should ask the doctor to change their antibiotics.”
6. Say “For goodness sake” instead of “For fuck sake”: Unless I’m driving. Then it sometimes slips out without me realising. Or unless I’m in work. There’s no children there.
7. Phone NHS direct: 0845 4647. I was invited to their Christmas party last year as a thank you for keeping them in business. When he was a baby, Little T only had to sneeze and I’d be running around the room shouting “He’s ill! Do you think he needs a doctor?” I once phoned them because Little T had red poo. NHS direct asked me what he had eaten the day before and it struck me that he’d had red jelly at a party. The woman on the phone felt it was safe for me to cancel the ambulance.
8. Use having a child as the perfect excuse for everything: When the annoying sales people phone me or knock the door “Sorry, I’m just putting my child to bed” (they don’t even mention that it’s 3pm in the afternoon.) When my house is a mess “Sorry, he dragged his toys out.” When I’m late for something, “Sorry, I had to get him ready.” When I forget to do something for someone “Sorry, he’s been playing up.” Nobody questions it! And it sounds so much better than “I couldn’t be arsed to clean up before you got here,” or “I decided to have another cup of tea before I left the house.”
There’s more than this, I’m sure of it, but sorry I can't continue, I’ve got to, um, get him in the bath....
I might flip this one on my next post and write about the things I don’t do anymore now that I’m a mum. I reckon that list will be a hell of a lot longer than this one!